my right food patella luxated again today, after seemingy 1 - 2 years break ( i actually had a few small incidents inbetween, but i feel like it was ages ago ). i bandaged my knee with a gauze bandage because i could not find my special patella bandage.

seems that my patella loves to fuck me up when i’m having a hard time. 3 1/2 years ago it luxated so bad that i was stuck at home for 2 weeks with an orthosis glued to my leg. back then i had problems at work, too. maybe it is a psychological thing.

fortunately i put it back into it’s place, rested it a bit and then put the bandage around it. it seems good for now, still hurts a bit and it’s also a bit swollen, but i can walk.

i just need to be careful. and find my patella bandage.


i may seem like an angry person on the surface but deep inside im actually angrier

(via noelfshr)

"I am constantly torn between wanting to improve myself and wanting to destroy myself."
(via maekaku)

(Quelle: iamnotthesociopath, via maekaku)

been watching ‘the walking dead’ the last few weeks and am quite hooked.

oh, i’d really like to have a  crossbow. i’d have masses of zombies to shoot everyday.

maekaku hat auf deinen Eintrag geantwortet “i still don’t have a ‘plan’ of what to do. i looked up some options…”

I think that’s a start. I mean realistically you obviously can’t drop everything as you’ve got responsibilities, but I’m pretty glad so see a certain change. Like you’re accepting possibilities perhaps?

possibilities that are a knock-down still :/ but yes, at least i try to think about it.

i still don’t have a ‘plan’ of what to do.

i looked up some options for starting a reeducation as a book seller, but it turns out i either have to start an apprenticeship ( getting an income of appropiately 700 euro per month - which does not even cover my insurances or my rental fees ) or invest about 3000 euro for a correspondence course.

and then it’s never guaranteed if there are any jobs available as book sellers seem to be very happy with their jobs. at least that is what i think the reason is because while looking after job offers i noticed that in my area none of these jobs are available. maybe i really should think about a move. but not as in moving away just a few kilometres but as in really far away. like 500 kilometres and more. like switzerland and austria. sounds good.

my dad says i should stay at my current workplace and start to look after options to get out of the sales and into some kind of quality management. i know he would like to see me in a leading position, but i really, really am not a leader. at all. and staying there forever wouldn’t make the situation better for me. i have too many doubts about our oh so wonderful company. of course i’ll stay until i’ve finally made progress at finding something i’d like to do. i can’t give up this job, too much stuff i need to pay every month. i don’t swim in luxury, i rarely buy things for myself, i don’t even buy much food every week. it’s the insurance companies i need to pay and the german state and as a single person it’s a lot.

there’s no chance i can give up my car as i still did not pay it off yet. additionally: i love my independence too much to give it up. and i love driving. it is in fact my only luxury that i wouldn’t give up ( as if i had any others ). as i love travelling around and especially visiting places that are not easily reached by bus or train. you may think a human being can let go of that easily, you may be right, but it’s my ticket out of the city. i would go insane always staying in this town. or waiting a million years to get from point a to b. my car is the devil, but i don’t care. 

what else could i do? i made an aptitude test and it turns out i’m a person that should stay in retail. which is really off putting, because if i’ll stay in retail then the only option would be something to do with books. i was always interested in this job, even as a kid. i’m almost sure customers aren’t that annoying with books as they are with food. and i love books. and am happy when i finally get around to read ( which i rarely do nowadays, can’t concentrate anymore because of exhaustion. ). the test also said i should try with travel agent. which is problematic with me as this job is almost 100 per cent about consulting and i am really bad in giving advices. i love to travel, yes, but not selling trips and tours. too much human contact. of course you have to operate with people in the book selling area as well, but i feel that i could do this better than selling travels ( especially as they can’t sue you when you recommended a book that they didn’t like ;) ).

i don’t really know what else i would like to do, something with nature maybe. but i can’t think of a job where i can enter as a retail shiftee without actually starting either academic studies or apprenticeships.

if there’s a job offer as ‘professional hiker’ somewhere i really would like to volunteer. :) 

i think the problem is that i’m not a creative person at all. i need some kind of rules and order to function properly. my head is already so full of chaos. don’t get me wrong, i love a challenge, but it has to be something i can really identify with. and i am definitely not a leader. no matter how much my dad says that i make myself look too small compared to others… i know of people who have much better stamina and ambition than me. who don’t feel guilty while reprimanding people. who work creatively on their own, solve problems in no matter of time and are good with clients, customers or co-workers. because in all this i’m a loser.

i don’t want to work a 9 to 5 job as an office clerk, though, this would even be too boring for me. but the job needs to be steady, because i realized stability is something i really need. when there is something hanging loose in my life i start to loose my head as well. and you know what that does to me. at least i know what it does.


i still shape things in my head, and maybe i reconsider the correspondence course… but for now it’s: hang in there. until i’ve not made up my mind of what i really want and discovering what i’m good at or what my passion is it means i have to hang in there. losing another screw here and there for another little while sounds the best for now. but one thing is for sure. i’m not planning to stay in food retail forever. it would kill me. i mean, it already started long ago.