when you think that a zenith was finally approached, then there’s always that one thing that tops it all.
my supervisor disclosed he will move away in august and won’t be my boss anymore.
i can’t believe it. i mean, i knew it, of course i knew again that there was something lurking around the corner. but now that it’s here i feel deserted.
everybody i’ve been working with the last few years and with whom i connected and got around with… all these people will leave this year.
i should be supportive, but all that’s running up and down my mind is this egoistical thought: they leave me behind, they leave me alone. my life won’t get better half a year from now.
i wonder how this is all going to work out.
it’s like the hole i’ve fallen in got even deeper now.
stuck and trapped.
nothing brings me joy.
only rage and disgust and hate are left.
i can’t think of love or friendship or giving warmth to anybody at the moment.
i’m dead. really dead.
i will hurt you and hurt you and hurt myself and never stop, never stop.
seems, i’m addicted to this side of the life spectrum.
what became of the little girl who wanted to be a writer so much when she was little? who wanted to live a life in wonders and be special?
when i search for that girl i can’t find it anymore. it got lost. my decisions killed it. and it’s too late and impossible to make the right ones. it seems that no matter what kind of decisions i choose to make for my future, they will all be useless. they will all turn into bad decisions after all and it will go on and on.
i want to either restart my life ( to see if i could choose otherwise when my mind was still open to everything and still curious ) or end it forever.
i know what i don’t deserve. people trying to push me forward, but failing me. they don’t deserve me. it’s no use - me trying to support you and help you - but not being able to do the same for myself. how does this work? it’s not working.
i need to fight, but my destroying talent is much more effective.
why i’m still writing the same things forever?
and i see no future.
i just want to scream and kill and cry and die. but that’d be too dramatic, like everything i ever do and think is dramatic in your eyes, isn’t it?
what’s with this world? i know the people struggle - like i do. but in the end there’s always a safety net that supports them. i may have one, too, but i can’t ever see the bright side of anything. it’s always connected with the dark side. and if i get too emotional people block me, because how do you treat such emotionality? i even block myself.
if i experience a wonderful day in nature, in peace, soon the dark is looming again. because as soon as you have a cherished moment fate comes running in and destroys it. i can’t have nice moments that will last, for me, it’s forbidden to feel at ease or peaceful at times. because if i love certain things too much or feel too safe or easy there’s a 100 percent chance that i will get punished for this. no, you can’t be happy, this happiness you’re feeling is not supposed to be one of your feelings. take this instead. take this knife and push it deep into your heart. you have to experience beautiful things with a knife in your heart. until you twisted it so bad that you are finally broken.
mostly, i hate being alive. too many painful and useless and uninteresting things happening on too many days of the year. they overshadow the few times in my life where i feel thankful to be alive. these clouds are too big to bring illumination.
i wonder when i’m ready to crash.
sometimes i hope it’s really soon. right now i hope it’s tomorrow. i hate being that hard-bitten person. i want my system to crash.